The Epiphany of The Journey
I started this year drunk in a club that me and Kash got in for free.
I decided that I was going to Eat, Pray, Love myself to happiness.
I was going to do it alone. I was going to do everything I was afraid to do. I was going to jump and not look back. I was going to say Yes to Everything. I was going to become the woman I wanted to be.
I was going to be happy.
I was 25 and realized that I am the adult in the situation. There was no finding the adult. I was the adult. I AM the adult.
I decided that if I stayed in my room I'd be doing a disservice to myself. I have plans and dreams.
I learned early on in life that I cant allow my dreams to be dependant upon another. If I want to chase something or complete something i was better off on my own. I can do bad all by myself. I can also do better all by myself.
I've learned that being alone does not equate loneliness. I had to learn myself. What makes me tick, what makes me weak, what loses me.
Losing an uncle and watching my family hurt opened my eyes. I had an uncle in the dirt and a aunt clinging on for life. If I died tomorrow what would I have to show for it? Two pieces of $120,000 paper and endless selfies?
I realized that the life that I am living is mine. My memories are mine. My knowledge is mine. If I leave, no one will know what those things meant to me or the joke that was said right before the chuckle. No one will know how hard I worked for my degrees. No one would see the sleepless nights and pleas with the lord. No one would see that with everything I had,
I was living life in nothingness. I decided that I could do more. I packed my bags and I hoped in a car. I went to a strange place by myself. I've been to the mountains, texas, home, the bahamas. I've seen God's beuaty through the sky, the sea, and land. I saw the sunset on different parts of the world. All of this beauty and God didnt mean for me to be stagnant in one place. He didnt mean for me to be afraid to leave. I started this Journey alone and found myself surrounded by good company.
I found who God was. Like truly was. Not who I thought he was or what he was limited to. I discovered that He is mighty and loving. I discovered that his strength is amazing and all knowing. I learned that He has a way of steering you on the right path when you’re lost. He's my rock. I found God and I wasn't alone. I found God and He led me to a pasture that has kept me as one of their own.
Im reminded of Nikki Giovani's You Came Too. It's my favorite poem of her’s.
'I came to the crowd seeking friends
I came to the crowd seeking love
I came to the crowd for understanding
I found you
I came to the crowd to weep
I came to the crowd to laugh
You dried my tears
You shared my happiness
I went from the crowd seeking you
I went from the crowd seeking me
I went from the crowd forever
You came, too'