One of my goals in this blog is to be transparent about my faith, or lack thereof. More importantly the lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Your girl is tired. Im sitting in bed doing homework before my internship. I quit my job to finish my master’s the previous summer. I’m at an internship doing 40+ hours a week as well as doing 13 hr class load. My professor hates me. My original clinical supervisor left and now I have this woman who I feel is working against me. Im writting atleast 2 7-15 page papers a day. Im living on loans. Im losing “friends”. I lost a aunt and uncle unexpectedly. Im in my prayer closet petitioning for a breakthrough and Im tide. I couldn’t muster a cry. Your body ever ached so bad to let out a good cry and your couldn’t? I was faking the hell out of my life. Only two people knew I truly regretted sitting in this moment. Everyone was right, I lost my mind (or so I thought).
I get a phone call from my angel friend Sabrina (The woman works my nerves, but I love her. The connection we have with eachother is unexplainable). It’s outside of our 4am prayer calls. Im so annoyed. I have 30 minutes to finish my homework before I have to get up and head out the door. My mind is drawing a blank. Im like “girl I dont wanna pray with you”. This woman starts crying. So Im even more annoyed. My friends know I generally dont do emotions well. Im like Cesar in that black ink crew meme where he stares at Sky while she cries her eyes out.. “What you want from me?”
Ill never forget what she said.
She asks me what’s wrong and I reply nothing. She asks me again and demand that I stop lying. Part of me is like of stfu, but I know God snitched on me. So I’m sitting there stale face talking bout Im fine. (Chile I was far from fine). She huffs and puffs. I can feel her rolling her eyes through the phone. Ever so rudely she says “God says Thank you for all the people who’ve never said it. Stop looking for it, He is your Thank You. He’s your I love you. He’s saying it for them because they can’t. It’s okay.”
In that moment I found out who God was as a friend. I rolled my eyes and said Bye Sabrina. Im that rude. My friend is ministering to me at 6am and I hang up. I hang up in my pride. Too prideful to say Im failing and I need help. I sat there and I cried for 30 minutes. Her words broke the flood gates of my soul. Before I realized it, it was time for me to go. My homework wasn’t done, I was now bright red (sidebar: When I cry I become florescent red like Rudolph’s nose). I didn’t care. I was relived.
Why was I relieved?
Because God saw me. He heard me. I knew that everything would be okay. All of my problems were yet to have tangible solutions,, but I had a Friend who was there. There's more to this morning, but Im going to stop the story here.
God uses the people and things we’re least expecting to give us what we need. Surely I didnt wan’t Sabrina in my business at 6am, and she didnt want to be there. God’s timing is perfect. What we need is not always what we want. What we want isn’t always what we need. God knows. He’s sees. He grieves with us and most importantly He loves.