Baggage

 "Bag lady you gon hurt yo back, draggin all them bags like that, I guess nobody ever told you all you must hold onto is you, "- Badu

I spent the second half of 2017 roaming the earth, living like a nomad. Completely out of my comfort zone. Moving has been one of my worst nightmares. There's really no procedure in place when you wake up one morning and The Lord tells you that you need to move. For months he'd been telling me that I needed to pack and get myself together. I'd been packing clothes, but all that other stuff that comes with umpacking. OH MY!. I had stuff on stuff on stuff. apparently I failed at my object of minimizing. I had stuff I've never seen before, stuff I hadnt seen since I left my dads house, random boxes of stuff. I started my twenties as a bag lady. Everything had a sentimental value. Everything was special. I had to keep stuff because I was going to need it one day. LOL. 

 

I had everything I could fit into my midsize sedan and hit the road. There was no looking back, no changing my mind, no swaying me. I had no job, no real plan, and $300.00. I had enough for gas and a bite on the road. I talked to one of my friends and she offered to let me stay with her while I got myself situated in what I needed to do. Even then I became discouraged. Two of the worst hurricanes of the decade hit and I was derailed to Atlanta. I had to sit face to face for two weeks with a woman I had been trying to avoid on this trip...my aunt. I love her, she means well, but sometimes she's doesn't understand my process...which in her defense is "go with the flow". I'm aware of the many dangers ahead, but I also know The Lord is My LIGHT and SALVATION. WHOM shall I FEAR? WHOM shall I be AFRAID?  I was going to tell her I moved to Texas after I got there. I was afraid she wouldnt understand so I made the choice to bypass going to see her.

I was going to run as fast as I could. God positioned me to be like Jacob.  I had to face what I had been running from. I couldn't walk into my new season by running from the fears of my past seasons. It doesn't work like that. God had spent all this time preparing me for this season and I wanted to bring some baggage with me. He told me I have everything you need. Let go of all this stuff. It wasnt just the physical stuff that I had to let go. I had to minimize the mental and emotional stuff too. I ALSO HAD TO LEARN TO BE PATIENT. I HAD BEEN SO EAGER TO MOVE THAT I JUST WANTED TO BE IN TEXAS ALREADY. I KNEW THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, I JUST KEPT GETTING SIDETRACKED. MAKING A LONGER STORY SHORT: I MADE IT TO TEXAS SAFELY.   

I almost broke down...well actually I did break down...a few times...I almost gave up on it all and went back to where I started from. I didnt. I stayed. I struggled with letting pieces of me go for peace. We get so comfortable in our "truths" and "feelings" that they become ingrained in our identities and we dont recognize who we are without them. This move has been humbling. I dont mean that in the "Its the nicest appropriate thing I can say" way. I mean it. I thought I had some humbling experiences before, but nothing has compared to this. In the midst of having nothing, and I mean nothing, I had everything. Everytime I needed  anything, I was met with an open door. I wanted for nothing. I continue to want for nothing. For this I am grateful.

SoulTalkBiancaComment
Love Made The Sun Stand Still

As a believer, a follower of Christ, I felt that today would be a great way of encouraging you all with something that has been lingering in my Spirit. For months I’ve been trekking around the book of Joshua. Joshua begins after the death of Moses. He is mandated from the Lord to be the one to lead his people out of The Wilderness. He was tasked with becoming a leader and defending his Nation.  

In Joshua 10, we find the account of the day the Sun Stood Still. Joshua was in battle and it looked like all cards had been played. It looked impossible. By our standards Joshua looked crazy. He was trying to fight who? With what? We would’ve been like “Bruh are you sure about this? Maybe you should take some time and think it over? God wouldn’t lead you in confusion and mess” we chalk God up to being the author of order. We forget that he’s also the author of miracles and the impossible. He’s the author of the land, the sea, heavens, and earth, grace, and mercy, and most importantly love

We can find ourselves in the midst of sideways encouragement that becomes discouragement on accident. People mean well, and everyone wants the best for us. Their best isn’t always God’s best. God is calling you out of the ordinary. He has a plan and a purpose specifically for you. This plan includes steps that are even oblivious to you. How God did it for your mother won’t be how God does it for you. You’re that special , that loved that you don’t have to walk on anyone’s footsteps but the Lord/s. Trust God and the process. He’s made a way just for you 

 

 

 

BiancaComment
Be Encouraged

 

There are spaces in time where we have been lead to believe that we were inadequate. Some of those times, we were. We’ve carried the lack into future situations and relationships. Even when we’re doing well, that through pops up in our head saying “...but...”. But nothing!!! Cut out the buts! You did what you could with what you had. Don’t let the forces you can’t control, govern you. You are good enough for whatever it is that you want. Don’t let others perceptions of you diminish how you see yourself and live your life. Everyday you get a new chance to try again. If nothing else, you can just try.

 

Blessings Beloved. 

-Bianca

BiancaComment
In All Things Give Thanks

From the Archives: April 19, 2015

Today I was helping a co-worker with their workload. I thought nothing of it. You help your friends and neighbors when they need it.  I was raised to share If you have a lot to spare or a litte. When I got home they sent me a message thanking me for my help. Turns out they were dealing with some personal issues and were falling behind because of it. They expressed grattiude and told me that the Lord blessed them with my help today.  I was thankful that the Lord allowed me to bless someone. Even if it may seem trivial to you, it was big to me.

Blessings are not always in the form of money or gifts. They could be simple gestures to help you through the day. Even though my co-worker was having a rough day, they found time to take a moment to thank the Lord for their blessing.

In all of your afflictions, sorrow, joy, happiness, momentary problems, and downfalls, the Lord sees you. He hears you. He sends you people when you’re not expecting them. He will provide you with blessings you didnt know you needed. When you try to handle situations with your own understanding, He will open doors for you to walk through. He will hold you through the joy and the pain. He does this because HE LOVES YOU. Its in the little things that we are certain that people care. It is these small things in which we have access to everyday that we can be grateful. In all things, good or bad, give thanks to the Lord. He is with you always.

BiancaComment
The Epiphany of The Journey

I started this year drunk in a club that me and Kash got in for free.

I decided that I was going to Eat, Pray, Love myself to happiness.

I was going to do it alone. I was going to do everything I was afraid to do. I was going to jump and not look back. I was going to say Yes to Everything. I was going to become the woman I wanted to be.

I was going to be happy. 

I was 25 and realized that I am the adult in the situation. There was no finding the adult. I was the adult. I AM the adult.

I decided that if I stayed in my room I'd be doing a disservice to myself. I have plans and dreams.

I learned early on in life that I cant allow my dreams to be dependant upon another. If I want to chase something or complete something i was better off on my own. I can do bad all by myself. I can also do better all by myself.

I've learned that being alone does not equate loneliness. I had to learn myself. What makes me tick, what makes me weak, what loses me.

Losing an uncle and watching my family hurt opened my eyes. I had an uncle in the dirt and a aunt clinging on for life. If I died tomorrow what would I have to show for it? Two pieces of $120,000 paper and endless selfies? 

I realized that the life that I am living is mine. My memories are mine. My knowledge is mine. If I leave, no one will know what those things meant to me or the joke that was said right before the chuckle. No one will know how hard I worked for my degrees. No one would see the sleepless nights and pleas with the lord. No one would see that with everything I had,

I was living life in nothingness. I decided that I could do more. I packed my bags and I hoped in a car. I went to a strange place by myself. I've been to the mountains, texas, home, the bahamas. I've seen God's beuaty through the sky, the sea, and land. I saw the sunset on different parts of the world.  All of this beauty and God didnt mean for me to be stagnant in one place. He didnt mean for me to be afraid to leave. I started this Journey alone and found myself surrounded by good company.

I found who God was. Like truly was. Not who I thought he was or what he was limited to. I discovered that He is mighty and loving. I discovered that his strength is amazing and all knowing. I learned that He has a way of steering you on the right path when you’re  lost. He's my rock. I found God and I wasn't alone. I found God and He led me to a pasture that has kept me as one of their own.

Im reminded of Nikki Giovani's You Came Too. It's my favorite poem of her’s.

'I came to the crowd seeking friends 

I came to the crowd seeking love 

I came to the crowd for understanding

I found you

I came to the crowd to weep 

I came to the crowd to laugh

You dried my tears 

You shared my happiness

I went from the crowd seeking you 

I went from the crowd seeking me 

I went from the crowd forever

You came, too'

BiancaComment
Transparency

From The Archives: June 7, 2016

I decided to post this From The Archives because it illustrates a broken point in my life a little over a year ago where I wasn't certain what was going on. My faith was low and so was my patience. While strolling through the Archives, I struggled with why I chose to post this in the first place. I did it because this is what life looks like for so many of us who struggle. but there is a brighter day ahead. I didnt see that day back then, but Im living in it now...

I’ve have never been so stressed as I have in these past three weeks. I have been tested and pulled and tugged. I resigned from my job. I left my security. Im doing school full-time again. I still have bills. I’ve been swayed every which way. I’ve called my classmates everything but children of God. I’ve been finding comfort in my wine and other temporary joys. Ive been lost and that is a pure fact.

I’ve been the  lukewarm christian. I havent been to church in a month. I stopped praying. I’ve hardened my heart to the poor. Ive been full of sorrow and weeping. I have essentially relived the catastrophe that was December. I’ve called on the name of the Lord and gave up hope. I’ve been miserable. I’ve abandoned what the Lord told me to do. I have been awful. Yet everyday the Lord has awoken me with joy in my heart. I’ve been joyous because his grace keeps renewing me because he has faith that I am better than this. He has faith in me. I’ve been too weak spiritually, mentally and physically to pray for myself. I would like to thank my friends for interceding on my behalf. I’ve been trying to get back on the right path. I asked the lord to send me a word.  This is what I received and have found to be true “I say to the Lord, apart from you I have no good thing” Psalm 16:2 (NIV). 

The Lord is the epicenter of all we will ever need. He is our comforter, our provider, our father, or reedeemer. He does not have many names because he wants to be flashy. He is Eloheim, El Shaddai, and Jehovah Jireh. He is more than we can comprehend. He has the power to open doors no man can shut. He has the power to make our enemies prepare a feast before us. We are his annointed. Everything we have is his. WE ARE HIS. All good things come from him. All of our strength and trial comes from him. I may still be wearied and tired, but I trust in the Lord. I trust in his process. I trust that He will renew my soul.

 

BiancaComment
You're Not In This Alone

From the Archives: July 3, 2015

Many times we all are struggling in different areas of our life’s trying to tie together the pieces that we and other people have left of ourselves . In this tying and mending we bypass the heart of the struggle and we fail the test over and over. We are so insistent on an instant savior from the struggle that comes as fast as the struggle was thrust upon us. And some of us will fight the same demons for years just as those demons were not bread in a day. 


Some of us will pray night and day and have to no avail no answer . We will think that the lord has forsaken us in that moment, for which he has not. He’s constantly testing our endurance and persistence. Can you praise him when you think he’s not working ? Can you love him when you don’t feel it in you to love yourself. Can you just love him because he first loved you ? Our relationship with God in a lot of ways mimics our relationships with people. We struggle to get in where we fit and when things don’t work or get too trying we tend to throw in the towel. The difference is that God gives us more chances to get it right . He tells us to give up our crosses and die daily. Now this verse has been calling out to me for the past two weeks. 
I’ve been struggling for months with three things in particular and I’d go through the phases of feeling bad and praying and seeing no avail and he led me to that verse and said this is daily this is not weekly or monthly this is daily. I need you daily. I am not your God only on Sunday Wednesdays and Fridays or weekday mornings. I am your God through and through. My grace is renewing daily. Come to me . Tell me about it. Put your heart on the table for me so that I may make it clean. I can’t give you a clean heart if you’re hiding from me. You can’t be pure if your slipping and running from me. When you come to me bring yourself. Your battles will be my battles. I will trade burdens with you to give you strength to pursue this thing if you just put your trust in me. I see you struggling I see you back sliding, I see the temptation calling your name. Turn a deaf ear from it . Remember me in the wildness as I was tempted by the dark angel and he promised me things, all the things that I could have with my father . He tried to bargain things with me that were already promised to me. Some of you are trading yourself for things that are already yours if you just wait . If you just wait on my timing you wouldn’t have to fight yourself out of problems you bought upon yourself .


Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight Proverbs 3:5-6

BiancaComment